Today was a great day. It didn’t go the way we planned it to be, but I am still thankful. Thankful for the people who took the time to compliment my singing. It felt good because it’s been so long since someone said nice things about me and particularly my singing. It gave me courage and hope on the days I’d need it most.
I still have a long way to go, from school to extra-curricular things, and I’m starting to feel really, really tired that I would almost reach the point of crying and breaking down. And don’t ever tell me you have more right to break down and say you’re tired than me, because you don’t know me and what I’m going through as much as I don’t know what your struggles are.
There are still so many worries, doubts and fears, so many unfinished jobs that I don’t even know how to start with. I couldn’t let myself be happy, truly happy, because I know it will be taken away one day and replaced by something terrible, and I’m scared of that truth, even if I have already accepted it. I just learned to not have such high expectations. And when something good and happy happens to me, I tend to have this dread in my heart that something bad’s about to happen, something that couldn’t compare to the recent happiness I thought would last.
But of course I’m thankful whenever I receive blessings and good experiences. And I continuously pray for a more positive attitude. Just let me get through this semester. Let October 25 come and go successfully. Let all my school work be over with with good results. I know I can do it. Let me have more patience and understanding.
That must be one of the stupidest mistakes I’ve ever done.
This has been the most emotionally stressful week of my life. I thought there was no going through this. I actually had thoughts of running away and wishing to be hospitalized or something, rather than deal with this.
No matter how much I disappoint, I hope you love me still. I hope you never tire of me. Don’t give up on me because I’ve almost reached the point of giving up on myself. And if I do, who would save me? Who would accept me?
There’s just no turning back time. I can cry all my tears out, scream until my throat is raw and beg for a rewind button, but nothing will ever change what has already happened.
Somehow I’ve gotten used to it. Nothing could possibly be worse than this, right? Am I really that unlucky and doomed to always break things, upset people, and fail?
I should probably stop doing and touching anything to avoid any more accidents.
Oh well, I deal with my shit and you deal with yours. There’s no time to dwell and hate myself when another draining week is ahead. Hopefully, I don’t break any more things. And hearts.